The Dirty Dozen: The NBA’s Craziest Players

column by AJ

Pro athletes are fucking insane. It’s been proven time and time again. From Irvin to O.J., all the way to Zidane’s World Cup-surrendering headbutting gaffe, it’s clear that the fans’ admiration and the attention it brings can drive athletes to do things that the rational minds of us common folk just don’t understand. Rather than be an exception the rule, NBA players have been among the chief offenders in the realms of criminal conduct, sexual misadventure and general buffoonery. Here’s a salute to the twelve who, throughout their careers, have truly set themselves apart through their continued commitment to ridiculousness.

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12. Andray Blatche

Andray earns his way onto this list because he’s a relative no-namer who holds the dubious
honour of being the only NBA player shot in a carjacking attempt before his first game. Thankfully, Blatche has rebounded and made a healthy return to the court, amply supplying minutes in the Wizards’ injury-saddled lineup. But while his career’s on the rise, another “game” of his needs work: last August he was arrested and charged with soliciting sex from an undercover officer.

11. Ruben Patterson

The “Kobe Stopper” (as he, contrary to reality, insisted on calling himself throughout Bryant’s three-peat with the Lakers) has had a laundry list of zany off-court incidents including an assault conviction (following an accident in which his car was scratched in a parking lot), an arrest on felony domestic abuse charges and a guilty plea following the rape of his child’s nanny (he was subsequently charged for failing to register as a sex offender). His antics are a testament to the insanity behind the notion that any human being can stop Kobe Bryant.

10. Shawn Kemp

Although the Reignman was known to soar far above the rim back in his prime, his favourite high was powdery and best enjoyed through a rolled-up Benjamin. Cocaine put the brakes on Kemp’s career long before his time should’ve came, but didn’t stop him from allegedly fathering thirteen illegitimate children (with nine women). Since his retirement, Shawn’s been exploring the exciting world of the organized drug trade: he was recently arrested in Washington with large amounts of raw white, sticky green and a semi-auto pistol.

9. Keon Clark

Last week’s Name That Player, Clark was an athletic freak, defensive terror and compulsive alcoholic who told a judge at a recent arraignment he’d “never played in an NBA game
sober”…damn. His other hobbies include possession of narcotics and unlicensed firearms, both charges for which his trial is pending. Clark’s gleaming accomplishment in the league may have an incident in which then-Raptors GM Glen Grunwald spotted him blazing a spliff at a charity golf tournament, which apparently contributed to his swift departure from Toronto.

8. Damon Stoudamire

The official floor general of the Jail Blazers, Mighty Mouse also served as the NBA’s resident drug czar during his time in Portland. His rap sheet includes a DUI in a smoked-out Hummer, the seizure of several pounds of herb that were found in his home when police responded to a robbery call, and perhaps the single dumbest attempt ever at drug smuggling: an arrest when the tinfoil-wrapped ounce in his pocket set off an airport metal detector…and we wondered why he fell off after his rookie season.

7. Stephen Jackson

The NBA’s Public Enemy #2 after the Palace Brawl, Jackson was suspended 30 games for brawling in the stands with fans, helping to shatter a promising Indiana squad in the process. Jackson’s reputation was further tarnished in October 2006, when he let off a 9mm clip in a strip club parking lot after a fistfight inside led to a car trying to run him over. When one learns that Jackson has two praying hands grasping a pistol tattooed prominently on his chest, this penchant for ridiculous violent behaviour becomes slightly less surprising.

6. Vernon Maxwell

Mad Max quarterbacked the NBA champion Houston Rockets in the mid-90’s but may best be remembered for missing a whole suit in his proverbial deck. After NCAA violations wiped his school scoring record off the books, he entered the L and his insanity flourished along with his game. In ’94 he was knocked for a concealed firearm, which may have inspired his less subtle approach in cracking teammate Carl Hererra in the head with a free-weight, leading to 30 stitches. The next season, Vernon pioneered NBA-fan altercations, running into the stands to light up a heckler who allegedly harped about his wife’s miscarriage. When the Rockets traded for Clyde Drexler later that season, Maxwell faked a hamstring injury, which he later admitted to the coaching staff, who traded him immediately. ’97 brought a default lawsuit judgement to a woman who Maxwell knowingly infected with herpes and the end of his NBA career; he has since been jailed on drug charges, violating his probation stemming from missed court appearances.

5. Rasheed Wallace

There’s only so much that needs to be said about a guy who’s ever spoken the words “I’m sorry
officer, we smoked it all” and been ejected fromthe McDonald’s All-American Game. Wallace’s career highlights include numerous drug infractions, three seasons with league-record tallies in technical fouls, as well as several fines for public criticism of league policy. He has a seemingly ongoing vendetta with NBA commissioner David Stern, who recently named ‘Sheed an All-Star replacement in response to him “needing the weekend off to relax”. Perhaps the greatest moment of all was Sheed’s prophetic seven-game suspension in 2003 after threatening a referee on a loading dock post-game. That ref’s name? Tim Donaghy.

4. Eddie Griffin

A talented but tumultuous power forward, Griffin seemed to find trouble wherever he went. He was cited by every team he played on for substance abuse issues, which many saw as a ball and chain holding him back from fulfilling his All-Star potential. In 2004, Griffin was jailed for assaulting and shooting at his girlfriend, leading to anger management and the first indications of his instability. 2006

saw Griffin commit the single most hilarious act of NBA misfortune, crashing his SUV into a convenience store while drunkenly masturbating to a porno flick, offering to buy the store owner “any car….just not a Bentley” for not calling the cops. Griffin’s next car crash had tragic implications, as he ended his life on August 17, 2007, driving his Infiniti into an oncoming train.

3. Dennis Rodman

No player in history has been as unmistakable as the tattooed, fluorescent-haired, cross-dressing defensive demon known as the Worm. Rodman, who wore number 91 because “9 and 1 are the numbers you dial in case of an emergency”, was a technical-foul machine who threw his jersey into crowds when ejected, publicly messed around with Madonna and was foolish enough to star in Double Team with Jean-Claude Van Damme. In a more entertaining role, he skipped practice while with the Chicago Bulls to make one of several appearances with World Championship Wrestling’s nWo, and more disturbingly posed nude in a PETA ad campaign. None of his nonsense tops his on-court outbursts, having headbutted referee Ted Bernhardt and kicked cameraman Eugene Amos in groin after tripping over him.

2. Ron Artest

Why is Ron so crazy? Maybe it’s his budding rap career, for which he flew to Greece to record an album that he asked the Pacers for a month-long absence to promote. Maybe it was his attempted part-time job at Circuit City as an NBA rookie to cash in on employee discounts. It could be his attendance of a Pacers practice in a bath robe, or his public demolition of a news camera following a loss to the Knicks. Perhaps it was the seizure of his dogs that weren’t being properly fed, or his domestic abuse charges, which led to him dropping the gem “I can’t go to jail sir. I’m a role model, kids look up to me” on the presiding judge. Then again, after all, it’s probably this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=89xDhk-QyYI

1. Isaiah Rider

And then there’s Isaiah ”Don’t Call Me JR” Rider, who’s bested a furious field to claim the title of Craziest NBA Player. Rider’s story begins 15 years ago back at UNLV, when the often-troubled swingman was jailed for fighting with Jack-in-the-Box employees and throwing a milkshake into the drive-thru window. His pattern of restaurant-worker abuse continued in 1996 when he was arrested for kicking a female sports bar manager, coinciding with drug charges that prompted the Wolves to trade a guy who was dropping 20 a game for a pair of Pumas and a Gatorade cooler. He arrived in Portland, where within his first month he was arrested for gambling in public and fraudulently charging his cell phone to someone else’s bill. After serving a three-game suspension for spitting at a heckler, Rider was traded to Atlanta, where routinely parking in the Thrashers coach’s reserved spot and hotboxing hotel rooms strained his relationship with management until he demanded his release. Isaiah next landed with the Lakers, where he rode Shaq and Kobe to a ring in 2001 while remaining steadily blunted. He played 10 games with Denver the following year before being waived, ending his NBA career but not his clumsy criminal ways. Kidnapping and domestic abuse, a hit-and-run while fleeing police, and a courtroom confession that he smokes crack-weed have highlighted a fun-filled retirement that’s cemented Rider’s reputation among the most insane athletes ever.